new jersey: land of corn and tomatoes

Claire Thompson, the eleventh person to comment on Jeff Utecht's (educator, consultant, presenter) blog post, "Confusing Parents", asks:

...if anyone has tried rewriting the letter?

regarding a New Jersey middle school prinicpal's letter that asks parents to ban social-networking sites.

Why, yes, Claire!

Dear Parents,

Take away the cell phones. Yours, too. Go landline. Rooted, intertwined with the land. Like the Na'vi.

Remove the computer. And the other one. There be no use for such a device. Return to the cave. Make fire, abundant and crackling. Set down a log between the fire and the wall of the cave. Seat your cherubs upon its bark-festered surface. Stand betwixt flame and thy seated younglings. Hold carvings and whittled items in such a fashion that shadows present themselves upon the cave's wall. Invite curiousity and response from the seated off-spring. All will be well.

Additionally, please insure that the following occur daily at home and on your way:

• Cook breakfast. Things lean and protein-y.
• Sit, eyes and ears affixed to your children, and solicit today's goals and dreams that each may have. Encourage persistence. Offer extra soy milk.
• Walk to the bus stop with your children. Label plants and foliage along the way. Urbanites: discuss zoning and sprawl.
• Discourage adjectives. Adjectives hurt, damage, and describe. Promote nouns. Celebrate onomatopoeia.

Or another possibility, shorter, terse:

Dear Parents,

Please home school.

virtually an idiot

The New York Times gives us the opportunity to gauge our distraction by playing an online simulation. The game:

...measures how your reaction time is affected by external distractions.

I'm a savvy TXTR!

I switched lanes for a virtual mile, and then I received the first of three text messages. The rules said that I had to respond, and that I had to do so while driving and moving from lane to lane.



After I responded to the third TXT, the game ended, and I received my own bar graph:

Observations:

• My driving acumen improved with each TXT, so I'll just get better and better the more I TXT while driving. Yay!
  
• 23 percentage points worse than other participants!!! From a demographic angle, I thought I was on the younger side of NY Times readers...especially online readers. Shameful.
  
• I have responded to, and even sent, text messages while driving with my children. Moron.
  

y txtin is betr

C...u ask me a ? that needs a 1 word answer, but 4 me 2 get it, I have 2 open the First Class icon, type in my username and password, click on the 'mailbox' icon, click on the unread message icon, read the email, click 'reply', click 'send', click 'file', move cursor down to 'exit', then click on the 'start menu', click on 'log off', reinforce my intention to log-off by clicking on the 'yes-i-really-do-plan-on-logging-off-now' icon and then sit motionless, staring at the screen to insure that the computer lives up to its end of the bargain, and does, according to my double-swear, log itself off of the network.

Now, w/ txtin:
C...u ask me a ? that needs a 1 word answer, but 4 me 2 get it, I have 2 open the First Class icon, type in my username and password, click on the 'mailbox' icon, click on the unread message icon, read the email, click reply , click send , click 'file', move cursor down to 'exit', then click on the 'start menu', click on 'log off', reinforce my intention to log-off by clicking on the 'yes-i-really-do-plan-on-logging-off-now' icon and then sit motionless, staring at the screen to insure that the computer lives up to its end of the bargain, and does, according to my double-swear, log itself off of the network.