EPS

I love emails that end with origin stories:

Sent from my iPhone

Very satisfying, but this one's just as good:

Sent via my BlackBerry

No iPhone for me. No BlackBerry, but I feel like I'm leaving people in a void. They don't know what instrument I used to craft electronic messages. No idea as to what tool I used.

So I've made the following to let people know more about my emailing locations:

- Crafted in my kitchen; a kitchen that could use some fresh paint, and perhaps a new range. Viking, of course. Via Lenovo SL500 laptop.

- Composed in the library open lab. Computer #22. The one with the free-standing speakers. Courtesy of Dell desktop.

I hope these help people as much as their origin stories have sated my locational queries.

Sent via public access wifi network at Saxby's in Lansdale.

dead messages

This is the email that I sent to the teachers:

I'd like to thank all of you for a great year. As we move ever-closer to the celebratory last day, and as you begin the process of collecting text books and other items distributed to the students, I'd like to remind you about bringing order and closure to your classroom set of laptops.

Please insure that all laptops are in their correct locations in the cart. Additionally, please make sure that all power cords are placed on their appropriate shelves, and that they are plugged in to the computers.

In advance, I thank you for maintaining the presentation and physical condition of your classroom set of laptops.

This the email I would have sent to my colleagues if I still taught a class:

Some of your laptops see those books on the other side of the room. They've noticed that when you collected them, you put them in neat stacks. In fact, they've noticed that you went so far as to take your left hand and smooth the stack from top to bottom, just to make sure that the books were in perfect order.

But some of your laptops are blind. Some of them are powerless. Some of them are lost. Let's listen to computer CFF-5:

Where am I? What shelf is this? I'm so tired. I'm running out of energy. Usually, I'm on a shelf, feeling myself getting stronger every minute, but recently, I feel depleted and soporific. And I can't see. There are all these cords dangling in front of me. But as bad as I have it, my buddy CFF-20, well, he's facing the wrong way. He can't even see out of this cart. And CFF-12, he's put one of his corners on me and he won't move. He can't move. He's not even in straight.

Why are those books treated so well? Don't we deserve equal treatment?

There are some parts of my new job that I dread. It's killing the joy of composing emails.