Monday, May 10, 2010

6oz under



If you're going to order the reduced sodium oven-gold turkey breast, please order, and only order, in quarter-pound increments.

Posthumously,

Deli Clerk

Monday, May 3, 2010

new jersey: land of corn and tomatoes

Claire Thompson, the eleventh person to comment on Jeff Utecht's (educator, consultant, presenter) blog post, "Confusing Parents", asks:

...if anyone has tried rewriting the letter?

regarding a New Jersey middle school prinicpal's letter that asks parents to ban social-networking sites.

Why, yes, Claire!
Dear Parents,

Take away the cell phones. Yours, too. Go landline. Rooted, intertwined with the land. Like the
Na'vi.

Remove the computer. And the other one. There be no use for such a device. Return to the cave. Make fire, abundant and crackling. Set down a log between the fire and the wall of the cave. Seat your cherubs upon its bark-festered surface. Stand betwixt flame and thy seated younglings. Hold carvings and whittled items in such a fashion that shadows present themselves upon the cave's wall. Invite curiousity and response from the seated off-spring. All will be well.

Additionally, please insure that the following occur daily at home and on your way:
  • Cook breakfast. Things lean and protein-y.
  • Sit, eyes and ears affixed to your children, and solicit today's goals and dreams that each may have. Encourage persistence. Offer extra soy milk.
  • Walk to the bus stop with your children. Label plants and foliage along the way. Urbanites: discuss zoning and sprawl.
  • Discourage adjectives. Adjectives hurt, damage, and describe. Promote nouns. Celebrate onomatopoeia.
Or another possibility, shorter, terse:

Dear Parents,

Please home school.